It's Almost Like We Don't Even Have Cable

A few weeks ago, Brandon (my clueless, oblivious, sometimes forgotten youngest) comes into the living room and is like "hey mommy, I think I have a bug bite". Why I didn't take pictures is beyond me, but it looked like he was attacked by an army of spiders. And everywhere he was bitten was pretty much twice the size as normal - chin, eye, arm, leg  - so half of him looked like a Thanksgiving Day float.

Cut to a few hour later as I was cooking dinner. I saw an awfully guilty looking spider on the ceiling. It was also a very scary looking spider so we decided to catch it so we could get a closer look and figure out what kind it was (and by "we", I mean Thad caught it).

Thankfully, I happened to have a mucous specimen trap handy from when a customer and I were arguing back and forth about whether or not a certain competitor's version had a screw off bottom and I was like "nuh-uh" and he was like "uh-huh" and I was like "nuh-uh" and so he mailed it to me and I opened the package and I was all like "haha...I'm right and you're wrong". And this is why I'm such a rock star at work.

Back to the spider.

We caught him (it has to be a he, girl spiders would be pretty and covered in glitter and not have an angry mean face marking on her spider ass). Turns out this spider is a biter, but not dangerous. Did we let it go? Nooo...we caught another spider and gave him a spider friend to play with. We watched them ignore each other for hours, and then BAM! Ugly spider attacked slightly less ugly spider.

Then we caught (and again, the "we" actually implies Thad caught it...I just want it to look like I was included in all the brave spider catching business) another ugly spider. And watched the two of them play/ignore/have dirty spider sex (or at least that's what we think they were doing) for two weeks.

We found this way super exciting.

This past Monday, we come home to an even BIGGER ugly spider.

 And we caught it. Now there are three ugly spiders in the specimen trap.

Um, correction...BIGGER ugly spider totally killed big ugly spider and smaller ugly spider. And then he ate their butts.

Yes, really.

I wonder if it's because he thought they were making mean faces at him and he doesn't realize that's actually their markings. And if he could see his own ass, he'd realize he has the same ones.

As entertaining as we've been finding this, I'm sure the assumption is that we must not have cable or even electricity. But we do.

These Aren't Pantyhose, They're Sausage Casings

I haven't yet introduced you to my job. And not so much the job, but the job location. I - the cleavage showing, birth control using, swear word spouting, drunk a time or two person that I am - works in a convent. Okay, so technically where my office is isn't in the convent itself, but it is on the grounds of convent. Nuns everywhere. Even a scooter driving nun shows up every now and then.

Although they are not my employer, because I work onsite I have to adhere to their dress code. The biggest complaint I have with that is the fact I have to wear pantyhose if I chose to wear a dress or skirt and anytime I wear open-toed shoes. Winter time isn't bad...I do love to rock a dress with tights and tall boots; it's the warmer months that this absolutely kills me! My first two summers, I avoided dresses all together. This summer, I've found myself the proud owner of a few awesome dresses and today, I caved.

Of course, I only made the decision when I first woke up this morning to wear a dress (plan ahead??? Where's the fun in that?) so I had to leave the house a few minutes early and run into Walmart to grab a pair of hose. In and out of Wally World in under 5 minutes. That's got to be a record. I'm sure of it.

I honestly debated trying to slip on the hose as I was driving to work, but I was too busy catching up on Facebook.

So I get to the office and with my mad crazy ninja skills, I managed to make it to the bathroom without getting detected by a Sister before I was properly attired. There's a sitting area when you first walk into the bathroom and from there is another door that leads to the actual bathroom. I figured I would be able to sit in the recliner and quickly slip on the undergarment. I got them up to my knees and realized they seems awfully tight. Of course...me in my hurry unintentionally grabbed the super enhanced control top ones. Not that I don't need them...I should probably layer five pairs of the damn things on...I'm just past the point of caring if all this flab is sucked in.

When I realized it would be more of a challenged, I waddled (yes, with the hose at knee level) into the bathroom so that if I heard someone come in the front door, I could dive into a stall (again, with my mad crazy ninja skills). With my dress hiked around my waist, I finally struggled into what I'm now calling my sausage casing.

It's been a few years since I've worn pantyhose...now they come with this rubber no slip band???? And they go all the way up to under your bra??? I have never sat up straighter and taller in my life.

I'm also turning interesting shades of blue as I type this...seeing spots...I'm losing feeling from the waist down...

...is this normal?

I'm thinking the dresses are staying in the closest for yet another summer. Or I'm finding another job.

What's for Lunch?

Thanks to my big Sams Club order, my pantry, freezer and fridge are stocked full of good stuff. So I figured I have no excuse to pack my lunch and this morning, I selected a Jimmy Dean D-lite, 100 calorie snack pack, yogurt and Combos (I'm a grazer).

It's 11am and I already ate everything. Plus two doughnuts from birthday break. And am convincing myself that I must have Chinese food NOW.

*Sigh*

This is why I should NOT bring my lunch to work. And is probably why I've gained back almost ten pounds.

I could exercise, as my oldest brother is always pointing out, but I'd rather complain about the weight sneaking back on and my body flaws than actually do anything about them. It's so much less painful this way. Plus I figured if I wait long enough, they'll come out with a pill that will fix it all for me.

A Love Story - Sams Club

I discovered something that sends my heart a'fluttering.

Click and Pull from Sams Club. 

Yes, seriously. 

As my kids get older and my family continues to grow, grocery shopping has become an exhausting experience. I went only once a week, but it killed a good three hours of one of my valuable days off. And when it got to the point where other customers were standing around my checkout lane to see what my grand total was going to be, I had to figure out how to put a stop to it. 

Then my company offered us a discounted Sams Club membership, which I purchase online on Easter Sunday. I was surfing around the site to get an idea of what they offered when I heard trumpets herald (here I have to confess I just spent five minutes trying to figure out the word I wanted to use because I thought it was "harold" and apparently I was wrong). 

Click. Period. And. Period. Pull. 

You click, they pull. Tada!

I started out with a small order just to test them out. My favorite part about it was that I wasn't stuck in the aisle panicking because I couldn't figure out if the unit price was less than what I typically pay. I was able to take my time and make educated decisions about what I put in my virtual cart. The next day, I pulled up to the loading area of Sams, ran in to pay for my order and someone loaded it in the car for me. Oh, and there's NO CHARGE for this!!

*happy sigh*

Just this past Tuesday, I went all out. I'm talking a $500 order of cleaning supplies, bath and beauty products and of course food. I placed the order after 9PM on Monday, told them I wanted to pick it up at 4:30 and hit "submit". Then I went to bed while the little magical fairies went to work. My only issue was that I didn't get my email saying the order was ready for pick-up like I did the first time. But I called before I left the office to confirm that it was ready and this time I told them they could go ahead and pull my carts from the cooler and freezer (last time I had to wait for them to do it after I got there). When I got to the store, my order was completely ready to go. The dude helping me load my car kept looking at the three carts and my little Mistsubishi Gallant like "are you kidding me?". Why does a women with four kids of her own have a Gallant? Looooong story. You don't want to hear it. Trust me. 

My little minions, I mean kids, were ready to unload the car when I got home. To quote my teenage son, "that's a lotta food". Yes, a teenage boy said that. My heart still skips a beat when I replay the scene over and over in my head. 

I do realize that there are somethings that are cheaper to buy elsewhere - mainly cereal - so I won't completely erase my need to grocery shop, but at least I've drastically cut the time I spent dodging in and out of the aisles to hide from my kids as they tried to hunt me down with even more crap to put in my cart. And that is just priceless!