It's Almost Like We Don't Even Have Cable

A few weeks ago, Brandon (my clueless, oblivious, sometimes forgotten youngest) comes into the living room and is like "hey mommy, I think I have a bug bite". Why I didn't take pictures is beyond me, but it looked like he was attacked by an army of spiders. And everywhere he was bitten was pretty much twice the size as normal - chin, eye, arm, leg  - so half of him looked like a Thanksgiving Day float.

Cut to a few hour later as I was cooking dinner. I saw an awfully guilty looking spider on the ceiling. It was also a very scary looking spider so we decided to catch it so we could get a closer look and figure out what kind it was (and by "we", I mean Thad caught it).

Thankfully, I happened to have a mucous specimen trap handy from when a customer and I were arguing back and forth about whether or not a certain competitor's version had a screw off bottom and I was like "nuh-uh" and he was like "uh-huh" and I was like "nuh-uh" and so he mailed it to me and I opened the package and I was all like "haha...I'm right and you're wrong". And this is why I'm such a rock star at work.

Back to the spider.

We caught him (it has to be a he, girl spiders would be pretty and covered in glitter and not have an angry mean face marking on her spider ass). Turns out this spider is a biter, but not dangerous. Did we let it go? Nooo...we caught another spider and gave him a spider friend to play with. We watched them ignore each other for hours, and then BAM! Ugly spider attacked slightly less ugly spider.

Then we caught (and again, the "we" actually implies Thad caught it...I just want it to look like I was included in all the brave spider catching business) another ugly spider. And watched the two of them play/ignore/have dirty spider sex (or at least that's what we think they were doing) for two weeks.

We found this way super exciting.

This past Monday, we come home to an even BIGGER ugly spider.

 And we caught it. Now there are three ugly spiders in the specimen trap.

Um, correction...BIGGER ugly spider totally killed big ugly spider and smaller ugly spider. And then he ate their butts.

Yes, really.

I wonder if it's because he thought they were making mean faces at him and he doesn't realize that's actually their markings. And if he could see his own ass, he'd realize he has the same ones.

As entertaining as we've been finding this, I'm sure the assumption is that we must not have cable or even electricity. But we do.

These Aren't Pantyhose, They're Sausage Casings

I haven't yet introduced you to my job. And not so much the job, but the job location. I - the cleavage showing, birth control using, swear word spouting, drunk a time or two person that I am - works in a convent. Okay, so technically where my office is isn't in the convent itself, but it is on the grounds of convent. Nuns everywhere. Even a scooter driving nun shows up every now and then.

Although they are not my employer, because I work onsite I have to adhere to their dress code. The biggest complaint I have with that is the fact I have to wear pantyhose if I chose to wear a dress or skirt and anytime I wear open-toed shoes. Winter time isn't bad...I do love to rock a dress with tights and tall boots; it's the warmer months that this absolutely kills me! My first two summers, I avoided dresses all together. This summer, I've found myself the proud owner of a few awesome dresses and today, I caved.

Of course, I only made the decision when I first woke up this morning to wear a dress (plan ahead??? Where's the fun in that?) so I had to leave the house a few minutes early and run into Walmart to grab a pair of hose. In and out of Wally World in under 5 minutes. That's got to be a record. I'm sure of it.

I honestly debated trying to slip on the hose as I was driving to work, but I was too busy catching up on Facebook.

So I get to the office and with my mad crazy ninja skills, I managed to make it to the bathroom without getting detected by a Sister before I was properly attired. There's a sitting area when you first walk into the bathroom and from there is another door that leads to the actual bathroom. I figured I would be able to sit in the recliner and quickly slip on the undergarment. I got them up to my knees and realized they seems awfully tight. Of course...me in my hurry unintentionally grabbed the super enhanced control top ones. Not that I don't need them...I should probably layer five pairs of the damn things on...I'm just past the point of caring if all this flab is sucked in.

When I realized it would be more of a challenged, I waddled (yes, with the hose at knee level) into the bathroom so that if I heard someone come in the front door, I could dive into a stall (again, with my mad crazy ninja skills). With my dress hiked around my waist, I finally struggled into what I'm now calling my sausage casing.

It's been a few years since I've worn pantyhose...now they come with this rubber no slip band???? And they go all the way up to under your bra??? I have never sat up straighter and taller in my life.

I'm also turning interesting shades of blue as I type this...seeing spots...I'm losing feeling from the waist down...

...is this normal?

I'm thinking the dresses are staying in the closest for yet another summer. Or I'm finding another job.